


Dear Eva.

by bisexualovins



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, SKAM
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-12 20:01:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11744148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bisexualovins/pseuds/bisexualovins
Summary: The name Vilde is supposed to mean wild and untamed. Sometimes I can't work out if that suits me properly or not. Perhaps it is true, especially after the way I look at her. I know I shouldn't.





	1. boys.

 SONG: Primadonna - Marina and the Diamonds 

 

For a start, I knew that I shouldn't have been there. Being there, at the party; it hurt too much. I kept hoping maybe that it was just jealousy, that I was jealous that a boy as good looking as Chris was into Eva. Perhaps maybe I told myself she was prettier than me, of course he would like her. But it wasn't Eva I was jealous of, it was Penetrator Chris.

"Have you seen Eva?" I asked Isak, as I walked through the party, my head thumping. A minute ago I'd been right beside her and now she'd left me alone. I kept hoping Noora would show up and I could find an excuse to leave. At least three boys had asked me to dance in the last half hour, but I'd declined all of them. What was wrong with me? Shouldn't I be happy? All I could think about was that Eva and Chris were getting closer, that Eva didn't really need me at all.

The worst thing was that I had felt like this for ages, and everyday I saw her it just came back again. She was never going to see me like that. I was her best friend, nothing more. I could not bear to tell any of the other girls, I was too embarrassed. So I just had to pretend like it was nothing. It was becoming more and more difficult to keep up the act, to try and seem interested in the boys at the parties. They never interested me.

"I don't know, sorry," Isak replied, as I nodded my head and walked past him. I figured she had already left, probably with Chris. I couldn't help but sigh to myself a little, I just knew this was going to happen. Out of the corner my eye I spot Sana and breathe a sigh of relief.

"Is that the police?" said Sana, raising her eyebrows as the sirens blared outside.

I looked up, grabbing her arm suddenly and tugging. "Come on, we have to leave now!" I hissed, as I grabbed my bag. We stood up together and made a run for it, dodging the other drunken people outside as we ran down the road, hysterically laughing.

"Fy faen, Sana! You run fast!" I laughed, shaking my head.

"We're ninjas, Vilde, proper ninjas," she laughed back at me, smiling as she panted.

"I better head home before mum needs me," I said quietly, remembering I told my mum I would be back before midnight. I checked my phone: 02:00.  
Great.

"Oh okay, see you at school?" Sana asked, tilting her head.

"Ja, see you at school," I smiled back, hugging her before I started my walk back home.

 

\---------------

 

"I don't know, he seemed pretty into it I guess. It's nothing serious."

"Sure, sure Eva."

"I mean it Sana! You know what he's like."

 

"Hei!" I said, walking over to the girls outside school. They were sitting on one of the benches, engrossed in conversation. "What are you chatting about?".

"Penetrator Chris," Noora said, rolling her eyes at Eva.

 

I frowned a little, biting my lip at this. I knew Penetrator Chris was 'every girl's dream' or whatever but wasn't this getting a little old? Him and Eva had made out multiple times and still they hadn't even spoken about being in a relationship. Plus, he was nowhere near good enough for her.

 

"Don't you think he is a little slutty, Eva?" I said, peering up at her.

 

She looked a little confused for a moment as she pouted, "I mean, ja. But he is super cute," she grinned.

Super annoying more like, but I kept my thoughts to myself. I wasn't about to start meddling in Chris and Eva's relationship, much as I wanted her. To make matters worse, she looked great. She'd only recently cut her long her, with me tagging along to the hairdresser's with her, but it suited her so well. I had to blink several times in order to stop myself staring, it's not like she'd want me to.

 

"What have you got now?" Chris asked, nudging me.

"History," I replied, grabbing my backpack from the bench and putting it on. It was so cold outside, even my favourite puffy jacket couldn't keep me warm. "You too?".

"Mhm, let's go!" Chris said, grinning as she ran over to walk with me.

 

We waved bye to the other girls, my focus on Eva as she got up and walked away from the bench. I sighed again, turning my eyes back to the school building as I strolled closer to it, Chris beside me. I wished I could just stop thinking about for even a second.

-

"The homework will be due later this week, no later than Fredag,".

 

I picked my pen up, writing down the homework as a reminder in my diary before putting it away again. Sometimes I think I enjoy being organised so much because it distracts me from the fact that life is indeed, very messy. There are so many things that you cannot control, so when you can control them, you have to do it well. Just like the fact I couldn't control my feelings for Eva or my mum being sick or me not being pretty enough for anyone.

I spotted Chris waiting outside the classroom for me and I smiled, she had vanilla ice cream smeared all over her face.

 

"Chris, I think you have a bit there," I laughed, pointing over at the ice cream on her face.

"Oh, haha! Takk," she grinned back, wiping her mouth with her hand. Once she finished, both of us walked through the school corridors to go meet the others in the lunch hall.

"Did you see Eva's instagram?" Chris said.

"Nei, what is it?" I asked, slightly not wanting to know.

"Here, look..." Chris said, passing her phone to me.

 

[110 likes, 25 comments]

evamohn2: throwback to last year's party at nissen!!

load more comments...  
@loglady99: hottie!  
@saranors: it was amazing omg  
@stas_a_vaere_chris: beautiful gal  
@chrisschistad: baby girl lookin'  
good  
@evamohn2: @chrisschistad <3

 

I stared at the screen and had to swallow slightly to stop myself saying something I'll regret.  
"He seems to really like her," I said quietly, walking fast to get to the lunch hall. I just hoped she was late or something.

 

"Ja, I just thought he was a fuckboy!" Chris laughed, unaware of how annoyed I was, as she followed me into the lunch hall.

I saw the girls in the corner sitting on a table. Ugh. Eva was there. I stood staring for a second before walking over with Chris and sitting beside Sana, opposite Eva.

"Soooo Eva, what's up with you and Penetrator Chris hm?" Noora asked, smiling at Eva.

 

I stared down at my food, pushing it away as I stood up. The other girls look up at me in confusion, "Just need the toilet," I nodded as I walked out of the lunch hall.

 

As I rushed into the bathroom I closed the door of the stall and sat down, burying my head in my hands.

"Don't you dare cry, Vilde Lien," I said, shaking my head as I breathed in and out.

 

I closed my eyes and sat alone for a while. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be with Eva.


	2. er du lesbisk?

SONG: DGAF - Noah Slee, Shiloh Dynasty 

22:15 ONSDAG

10 missed calls

I threw my phone onto my bed and buried my head in my pillow, wishing the world could just swallow me up entirely. I couldn't speak to the others at that point, they wouldn't have understood anyway, they probably thought I was mad at them or something.

Opening my door slightly, I stared down the hall at my mum's door. She had been sleeping in bed, in the darkness, for days on end. It had been like this for a while now, but I thought maybe it would stop, that she'd wake up one morning and be my mum again. That didn't happen though. She just stayed asleep.

 

"Mum, do you need anything?" I asked quietly, stroking her hair as she rested her head on the pillow.

"No, that's okay. I'm fine," she whispered back.

 

Fine. It was a pretty loose term, to say the least.

"I'm only in the other room if you need me," I smiled, kissing her cheek gently, pulling the duvet cover over her arm.

 

I closed the door again, standing outside for a moment before making my way back to my room. My phone was vibrating loudly, Eva's ringtone going off continuously. Frowning, I picked it up, surprised she was calling me so late at night instead of texting.

 

"Vilde! Oh thank god! Where have you been?" I heard her say.

"I'm sorry... I didn't feel very well, I had to go home early..." I said vaguely.

"Oh, okay. I hope you're feeling better though."

"Yeah, I am. Is that why you called?" I wondered.

"Actually, I was wondering if I could come over or... you come here?" she said, sounding a little upset.

"Eva, what's the matter? What's wrong?". She was starting to worry me.

"Chris doesn't want me anymore, Vilde. He hooked up with Sara instead," she said, sniffling slightly.

"I'm coming over okay, it will take about twenty minutes but I will be there, Eva."

\------

It was freezing cold as I stepped off of the tram, my backpack weighing me down a little. I knew the way to Eva's house well as I often hung out there but I'd never met up with her randomly in the middle of the night.

As I neared her house, I climbed up a little by her bedroom window and knocked on it a couple of times, waiting for her to open it. I watched intently as she got up from the bed, smiling as she saw me and let me in.

 

 

"Ugh, this window is toooo small, Eva!" I groaned, laughing as I squeezed through the window and landed with my feet flat on her bedroom floor.

"Thanks for coming, I'm sorry I called so late. I needed you here."

I gulped slightly as I looked back at her. Could my crush on her be any more obvious?

"It's no trouble! What are best friends for!" I grinned, sitting down next to her on the bed. "We should watch a film, get your mind off that asshole."

"I'm already a step ahead of you!" She said, holding up some tortilla crisps and a copy of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

 

I laughed, attempting to steal the DVD from her hands as she dodged.

"Hey! I want to look at it!" I cried out.  
"Nei! It's mine, what are you doing?!" She giggled, as she waved it in my face.

I reached up with my hand to try and grab it back but instead I almost fell on top of her, gripping her shoulder as I fell closer.

"Ooh Vilde, if you wanted to be so close to me you should've just asked," she winked.

I blushed, turning away for a moment feeling slightly nervous. She took my hand, making me turn and look at her.

 

"Come on, you'll miss the film," she said, patting the space next to her on the bed.

 

Looked like I was staying the night.

 

\---------

 

TORSDAG 09:15, Eva's house.

I hazily opened my eyes, shifting slightly as I realised I was in Eva's bed. I could hear her loud snoring in my ear and I laughed momentarily. She was so cute. We fell asleep watching netflix, eating popcorn but holding hands. As I looked back at her, I couldn't help but wonder... why did she ask me to come over? Why not, Noora, Chris or Sana? I wasn't sure.

Taking my phone from the desk next to her bed, I texted my mum that I had slept at a friend's, knowing she wouldn't reply anyway. I shivered slightly at the cold, I was only wearing a pair of blue pyjama shorts and a jumper to match, though Eva had let me borrow some warm fluffy socks. I decided to go downstairs and make breakfast for us both, knowing Eva's mum was away at her job promotion as usual.

If it wasn't for Noora, I would never have started eating again. I hated looking in the mirror, and everyday was still a challenge. Some days I became so tempted, but in the back of my head was her voice telling me that I was beautiful, that I deserved better than someone like William, and I knew I did. I put the kettle on and made some toast, buttering a croissant for Eva for when she finally came downstairs.

 

"Morning!" she chirped, walking into the kitchen.

"Morning! I made some breakfast," I said, handing her the plate with the croissant.

"Awe, takk. You're like my wife, I love it," she joked, grinning up at me before sitting down.

Though I knew what she said was a passing comment, I half wished it was true. Everyday with her was one spent happily, even when we argued sometimes. I couldn't be away from her, I wouldn't have lasted a second without her.

I laughed back a little nervously, biting into my slice of toast as I sat down opposite her.

"I'm going to meet Noora today near the skate park, do you want to join?".

I was attempting to get her out of the house, so she'd stop thinking about fuck boy Schistad and Sara.

"Uh, that's nice of you to ask but I think I'm just going to stay here today..."

"Are you sure?".

"Yeah, but have fun, you should visit that new store they opened there, with the funny glasses I tried on," she smiled.

"Ja, that's a great idea."

-

 

 

13:00

 

"Where have you been, happy camper?" Noora said, raising an eyebrow as I walked towards her.

 

She was wearing a thick cream coat, boots and her classic blue turtleneck, a scarf wrapped around her neck. Likewise, I wore a white top, pink blazer coat and some boyfriend jeans she had helped me buy the other week.

 

"I went to Eva's, she had a boy crisis," I smiled, sitting down next to her on the bench.

"Penetrator Chris?".

"Penetrator Chris."

"He is so bad for her," she sighed.

"I think so too," I agreed, grinning as she handed me a pot of frozen yoghurt.

She tilted her head at me, "Vanilla is still your favourite right? I got the mint one today."

 

"Mmm, it tastes delicious!" I giggled, taking a spoonful.

 

We sat in relaxed silence for a minute, both eating our frozen yoghurt, despite the cold outside. We were weird like that; ice cream in cold weather. Part of me wanted to tell Noora how I felt about Eva. After all, she was accepting of everyone and I knew she would not judge me. Still, it felt wrong and I didn't want to seem stupid.

 

"Vilde?" she said, staring at me.

"Ja?".

"Do you remember when you asked me: er du lesbisk?" she smiled softly.

"Oh... I'm sorry about that Noora, that was when-"

"Nei, nei, nei. It's fine. Vilde, I just... wondered if possibly there is someone you're not telling me about?" she asked, biting her lip a little.

 

I froze from where I was sitting, not moving a muscle. If Noora knew about how I felt for Eva already, then it was only a matter of time before Eva did herself. I wasn't ready for her to find out.

I leaned back against the bench and looked down shyly, "maybe... I don't know."

She put a hand on my shoulder, lifting her chin as she spoke, "tell me, I promise I won't say a word. To anyone."

 

"Yeah, actually I quite like Magnus. You know uhm... Jonas' friend?" I lied, licking my lips.

 

What the hell, Vilde?! Now I was making up lies to my friends. This wasn't going to end well. Everyone had been telling me of how Magnus had a crush on me, and though he was very sweet I wasn't attracted to him. I only wanted Eva.

 

"Perfect timing," she whispered.

 

I frowned, furrowing my eyebrows as I turned around and saw Jonas, Isak, Magnus and Madhi walking up to the spot where we sat.

 

Faen.


	3. god jul. (merry christmas)

SONG: Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas 1999 version - Frank Sinatra 

 

Christmas is by far my favourite time of the year. Everything sparkles and shines, no matter what time of day it is. Everyone has a different kind of cheer in them, a little more merriment than usual. Not only that, but in Norway it is even more alive because of the snow. It covers ever surface and tree branch possible, and forces you to wear your warmest coats and hats.

Eva and I had planned to meet up and go sledding at Korketrekkeren, in Oslo. It was a little way to go but everyone in Oslo knew it was the best tobogganing track out there and at Christmas, it was even more fun. We drove nearby but had to walk for a while up a very snowy hill, I could just about glimpse the sight of other people.

 

"I'm so excited, I've never gotten round to doing this," Eva said breathlessly, her face pink and flushed from the cold.

"Mum and I always used to go sledding but we don't much anymore," I said quietly, looking down at the snowy ground.

"We're going to have so much fun, but we better hurry up. Looks like a lot of people had the same idea as us," she nodded, taking my hand in hers.

 

As she took my hand, it was as if my body jolted a bit in shock but my heart was beating faster than ever. Unlike me, she looked perfect in her cosy outfit, her hair tucked back into a beanie. She always did. Whenever she let me hold her hand, somehow it always felt warm and I was safe again.

We reached the top of the hill where there was almost a little hut like building, where people gathered around. Together we shared our money, checking we had enough and then went up to hire a sledge to share. As I turned for a moment as Eva payed, I noticed that snow was falling again and lightly coating the window of the hut.

 

"There you go ladies, now make sure you hold on tight and you must wear the appropriate footwear," the man working there informed us. He handed us a pair of sledding footwear, but to me they looked like ice skating shoes really.

-

"OKAY on 3... 2... 1!" Eva called out, raising her eyebrows.

"Wait, Eva don't we-"

 

Fy faen! And we were off, Eva in front and me right behind her, holding onto her waist. We laughed together as we moved down the hill quicker than ever, passing all the snowy trees and grounds as we went. For a moment I closed my eyes as the sledge's pace quickened, feeling the cold air on my face and the snow as it fell. Everything was right, for a moment, everything fell into place.

 

"Having fun?!" Eva giggled.

"Definitely," I smiled back at her, moving a little closer to hug her tighter.

"When we finish let's take a photo," she said.

"Mhm, sure."

 

Once we finished the run, we stood with the sledge and got someone to take a quick picture. Eva stood near to me, her hand on my shoulder as we both smiled up at the camera. But I wanted to kiss her then so badly, and I couldn't. She wasn't mine to kiss, I was just an idiot.

 

Stupid Vilde. Why do you agree to spend time with someone you can never be with?

 

"Heiii, Vilde? Are you thereee," Eva laughed, waving her hands in my face.

I snapped out of my trance and looked back at her, "Sorry! Shall we get hot chocolate?" I said.

"Mmm, ja!" She said, taking my hand again as we walked back to the car.

 

How long would I have to keep the friend act up?


	4. new year's eve.

   

 

SONG: Choking on flowers - Fox Academy 

 

"Look, it's right there: New Year's Party - The Penetrators,".

 

Together we all stared up at the poster that was stuck to Eva's locker curiously. Did a party sound like fun? Ja. A penetrator party? Nei. The only thing that meant was that Eva would be making out with Penetrator Chris again, or another random boy there. The thought itself made my stomach ache. How could I be excited about it when I knew it was just going to be another opportunity to get my heart broken?

Not only that but mum needed me at home. She didn't have to say it herself because I already knew it. It had been months since she had stepped outside the house and she'd stopped taking her pills too. I didn't blame her for any of it, but it meant that I saw the girls less and less, I had to stay at home and look after her to make sure she was eating, washing, breathing. I felt exhausted, as if there were so many things I should be doing but so little time.

 

"What do you think, Vilde?" Eva said, turning to face me.

I smiled back at her, hiding my unease as usual.

"Sounds greit," I replied, nodding. Though I could tell Sana was peering back at me funny, she screwed her face up as if she knew that I was not telling the truth.

"We have to go, it'll be so fun," Chris piped up, licking on her spoon of yoghurt.

Eva took a picture of the poster with her phone and jumped up and down in delight.

"I'll send you all the picture later so everyone has the details. Oh my god, I should invite Eskild!" she grinned, her eyes widening.

"Ja, I'm sure he'd love that," Noora said.

 

Sana still stayed quiet, staring back at me with her dark brown eyes intently. The problem with having such good friends is that they know you better than you know yourself, they're always going to be one step ahead of you no matter what. I waited awkwardly until the other girls said goodbye and headed to class, as Sana approached me and we walked together.

 

"You don't want to go, do you?" Sana asked, tilting her head a little.

I let out a brief sigh and shrugged.

"I just don't feel like it at the moment."

"That doesn't sound like you."

"Sana, I am going to come, don't worry."  
  
  
She turned around and placed her hand on my shoulder, peering up at me carefully.

 

"Vilde. The only one I'm worried about is you. I know something's wrong, it's written all over your face," she said. "No one's listening, it's just us, no judgement."

"I just don't think Eva should be getting with Penetrator Chris, I'm worried about her," I blurted out.

I could see as I stared at Sana that inside her head, her thoughts were going around like clockwork trying to figure out what I was trying to say. She let out a small smile, simply nodding.

"Then let's find her someone better," Sana winked, taking my hand as we   
walked out into the school grounds.

 

_Sana knew, she always knew._

_\-----------------_

FREDAG 20:00

 

I stood, staring back at myself in the mirror in the bathroom carefully. The week had gone quicker than I expected and all everyone had been talking about was the Penetrator Party on New Year's Eve. In fact, as much as I tried, I still couldn't get myself excited about it even as I stood getting ready and doing my makeup. I had on my favourite black mini dress, black tights and huge blue puffer jacket. But as I looked back at myself, I wondered if maybe I could have tried a little harder. Perhaps I could have made my hair a little prettier? Done my makeup a little better? Chosen a better outfit? This was _exhausting._ It wasn’t like Eva would even notice anyway whether my hair was straight or curly, or my dress black or white. 

To me, it didn’t matter how many people told me I was pretty or that I looked like a super model. The thing about the human race is none of us can really _see_ ourselves, you know? I’ll never be able to look at myself through someone else’s eyes, so I have no idea what they think of me. The only opinion I have to go on, is myself. So standing there looking back at myself, much as I was trying, I still couldn’t have said that I loved the girl looking back at me, that I loved myself. That would be a lie, and that’s not something I’m prone to doing.

Sighing, I stepped out of the bathroom and took my purse from the sofa in the living room before glancing back down the hall at my mum’s closed door. I had made sure she had everything by her side in case she woke up without me there: medication, water, blanket and I even left some leftover dinner for her in the fridge. Not that she would eat it but, I liked knowing it was there in case she did. Quickly, I stuck a pink sticky note to her door before walking towards the front door and closing it quietly. If I spent any longer getting ready, I would end up keeping Sana waiting and I have to say, I was so glad to have her by my side.

 

“Hei!” Sana said cheerfully, waving as I walked outside of the building to greet her.

She looked stunning with her silver earrings, long white trousers and black shirt as she smiled back at me. Though her style was simple, she always made it appear stylish and bold, especially with her dark lip colours and perfect eyeliner. Her hijab hung around her face, blowing slightly in the breeze as I approached her.

 

“What a fashion icon!” I grinned, raising my eyebrows as I hugged her tightly and we began walking along to the tram stop. 

“Takk, haha. Your dress is very pretty, Vilde,” she said.

I sighed, looking back at her with doubt, “Are you sure? I don’t know if it really looks that nice,” I said, looking into the distance as a few people strolled past.

“I think it’s perfect, seriously. We’re going to have the best night, I promise,” she smiled, taking my hand as the tram pulled up and we hurried to get on. 

 

Once we were on, we sat side by side chatting about what we thought everyone would get up to that night. I know it sounds cheesy, but I felt extremely lucky to have met Sana, especially as when we had first met we got off to such a rough start. I told her many times that I apologised for my ignorance and the way I treated her at first because it was unfair and judgemental. The thing is that I knew very little about Islam and so I based her off all the stereotypes I had heard at first, but I was proved wrong about many things. Sometimes you have to admit that you were wrong and that you made a mistake in order to move forward, because those mistakes are lessons not bumps in the road.

———

 

 

Penetrator Chris’ apartment was possibly the biggest apartment I had ever seen in my life. I mean, it was pretty ridiculous that he could afford such a place seeing as he didn’t have a job but then I suppose his parents were rich enough to spare the money on him. From outside, the lights from inside were visible through flashes in the windows, the party in full swing and the music louder than ever. I was surprised the police hadn’t been called yet, as when we arrived the music could already be heard way down the street and almost everybody was already drunk.

Sana tugged at my arm and we walked inside slowly, peering around to try and find the rest of the girls. Of course, it wasn’t long until we found Nissen’s favourite party animal.

_Eva._

 

I pushed my way through the crowd of sweaty people desperately trying to reach her, with Sana just behind me. Despite her obvious drunk state, she still managed to have the same effect on me. She didn’t look beautiful, it was almost something more than that and it sounds silly but I can’t put it into words. It’s that feeling when you stare across the room at someone and your heart does that startled jump and you can’t help but ignore everyone else in the room like they’re not even there. All your thousands of thoughts just melt away, just for a second because no one else is more important to you. 

“Vilde! Sana! You cameeeee! Wow you both look great, awwww,” she said, gripping my arm as she stumbled slightly, holding her plastic red cup.

I smiled, reaching out a hand and placing it on her shoulder. “Eva, do you need to sit down?” I said, my eyes widening a little.

“Nei, Vilde. I’m fine! It’s so fun here, look there’s Chris over there,” she winked over at Penetrator Chris and he winked back from across the room, sipping on his beer.

 

That’s the other side of falling head over heels for someone; the constant heart ache that never goes away. You’d think by now I would know better especially after the whole William fiasco but nei. It’s more the knowing that the things you are feeling are so one-sided, it just makes you feel so insignificant as if you are the one who isn’t good enough, not everyone else.

 

“Greittt. Uhm, where are the others?” Sana said, frowning a little.

“Dancing! Come on!” Eva laughed, grabbing both Sana and I and dragging us to the living room where everyone was dancing to a Gabrielle song and talking to one another.

 

Finally, some people I actually recognised. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted Jonas, Isak, Mahdi and Magnus along with Chris and Noora who were chatting to Ingrid. Then I remembered that _Magnus_ was there, and that was really not what I needed right now; to be hooking up with him. I shuffled over to where Chris and Noora stood, swaying around to the music as they looked up and both smiled.

 

“Finally everyone has turned up!” Chris shouted over the music, grinning as all of stood together in a huddle.

“Ja, we have been waiting in anticipation!” Noora laughed, raising her eyebrows as we all turned, watching Eva collapse onto Jonas. 

 

Jonas and Eva. Well… Jonas was a nice guy, and while he had previously been with Eva, I could admit that he was a good person. I saw firsthand however, how insecure and isolated Eva became as a result of that relationship and perhaps, it would be different if they hooked up again. Maybe I was being selfish, but I knew I could treat her better, way better than Jonas ever could. 

 

“Maybe we should keep an eye on Eva, she looks pretty drunk to me,” I said, staring back at all of the girls, concerned.

“Eva’s always drunk, she’ll be fine,” Chris reassured me. “But we’ll watch her carefully like we always do,” she nodded.

 

I bit my lip anxiously and moved over to one of the tables lined with beer cans, picking one up and taking a generous swig. If I was going to make it through this awful night, I was going to do it drunk so I could forget about everything just for a while. Hastily, I picked up a few other beer cans and handed them out to everyone, even Noora who never really drank. 

 

“I’m okay,” she refused, smiling.

“Oh, Noora, how are things going with Finn?” I smiled back, trying to distract myself from Eva. Finn was the boy Noora had began seeing after William and we were all more than happy to have Noora back to her better self. William had been so bad for her, so manipulative and cold towards everyone in his life. Even Noora had realised how toxic the relationship had become, and with a little courage and backup from all of us, she finally decided to make the decision to end things with William for good. Personally, I think it is the best decision she ever made.

“Really well, actually. He took me to an art gallery a few days ago,” she blushed, nodding. It made my heart swell knowing someone was looking after her, giving her the love she deserved.

 

I opened my mouth to ask her another question about Finn but her focus was on something else, raising her eyebrows and letting her jaw drop a little. 

 

“No fucking way,” Chris said, smirking back at all of us before looking into the crowd once again.

 

As I spun around I wondered if it was just Chris admiring one of the Penetrators but it was much worse. Eva stood leaning over, her hands gripping Jonas’ curly hair tightly as she kissed him lovingly, his hand wrapped around her waist pulling her closer to his chest. Even the beer couldn’t make the image leave my head as I stared back at both of them, feeling like my heart had just sunk down to my feet again. There is nothing that leaves a person more empty than seeing the one you want, want somebody else. There is nothing like seeing someone get exactly what you ever wanted, and right in front of your eyes too. 

My whole body, my whole brain was already running so low on self esteem that I truly believed it could not get worse, but it could. And it was. I tilted my head a little to the side, blinking so that I didn’t start tearing up in front of everyone like a fucking idiot. Why couldn't the floor just swallow me up whole? I took my beer can and rushed out of the room without another word. I didn’t give a shit whether anyone followed me or not, whether they thought I was upset or jealous. Nothing could have made me feel better in that moment, except to fade away.

Before standing outside, I grabbed the bottle of vodka sitting by the door and forced the liquor down my throat, so much that I felt as if my insides were burning. It wasn’t long before everything became dizzy and out of focus, my legs trembling as I attempted to walk down the road and back to the nearest tram stop. I could feel the churning of my stomach as I reached another corner, gripping it tightly as I swallowed, trying to keep it all from coming up but it wasn’t enough. I threw myself forward, throwing up loudly as I coughed onto the floor and held back my own hair. The vodka bottle crashed out of my hand onto the ground and smashed into a million pieces as I kicked it with my shoe onto the road. 

The tram stop was only about five minutes away but I didn’t care about going home. I couldn’t fix my mum and I couldn’t fix myself and I couldn’t fix my broken heart and nothing I could ever do was enough. I just kept walking and walking into the night, until I found myself lying on a lonely bench outside of a nearby apartment in Niels Juels Gate, rubbing my red eyes as I glanced down at my hands, covered in damp mascara. Pulling my warm coat tightly over my body, I allowed my eyes to finally shut and lay my head down onto the cold steel of the bench, the world transforming into a blur of darkness all over again.

 

 

 

  



End file.
